


This Is Enough

by theenglishmanwithallthebananas



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Asexual Character, Fluff, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Set in Episodes 159-160 | Scottish Safehouse Period (The Magnus Archives), canon-atypical talking about feelings, could be read as aromantic jon if you're so inclined, jon doesn't like kissing, this is self-indulgent af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24644062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theenglishmanwithallthebananas/pseuds/theenglishmanwithallthebananas
Summary: “I don’t—I’m not—Martin, I’ve been in a few relationships before, and they don’t…end well. Aside from the fact that I am a horrible partner—”“Jon…” Martin warns, but Jon is already pressing on.“—I don’t really…kiss. O-or the rest of it."
Relationships: Jonathan Sims/Martin Blackwood
Comments: 27
Kudos: 383
Collections: Repulsed/Averse Ace Jon Archivist





	This Is Enough

It’s been almost a week since everything. Since Jon pulled him out of the Lonely. Since they’ve been on the run from the police and their former friend and probably a lot worse. The cabin Basira sent them to is tiny, spartan. It smells like mildew and the stove makes a worrying sound every time they turn it on. It’s heaven.

They’re sitting on the couch together. Jon is leaning against Martin’s chest as he reads one of the books Daisy left behind out loud. It’s a terrible pulpy thing; all scantily clad heroes saving swooning damsels. Jon puts on a dramatic voice that somehow makes the poorly written story actually sound compelling. His brow is creased. He looks so intense, so _focused_ , as if the secrets of the universe might be somewhere in the ratty pages. He’s beautiful.

“Jon, can I kiss you?” the question is out before Martin can even process that he’s the one who said it.

Jon startles a little. He looks terrified. “I—uh—” Shit. No. No, no, no, god, no. Martin wants to sink through the floor. God, he’s an idiot, he’s ruining everything, and Jon’s sat up now but still frozen, looking at him like a deer in the headlights. Martin can feel how tense he is. He can die later, he has to salvage this somehow.

“Shit! Sorry, I just—”

“No it—”

“—No I get it, I mean why would you?”

“—It’s just that I don’t—”

“Oh! No yeah, Of course you don’t, you don’t have to—I misread—”

“No! that’s not what I—”

“It’s fine Jon, really, I completely overstepped, I didn’t even mean to say that. I should—I’ll just—go. I’m so sorry.” He stands up. He’s not even sure where he’s going, but “anywhere but here” seems like a good choice right now.

His eyes are stinging. He’d really thought—but that was stupid wasn’t it? They’d just escaped an eldritch hellscape of being alone; they _had_ to stay close to each other to keep it at bay. It’s not like they had a lot of options here, Jon probably didn’t even _like_ spending time with him, it was all just a necessary evil. He can’t even bring himself to resent it, he still desperately wants to keep what they had going. God. He really is pathetic. 

Jon frantically grabs his arm before he can leave. “No! Martin, will you just shut up and _listen_ for a second!” And god, that’s the last thing Martin wants to do. he doesn’t need Jon to tell him how undesirable he is. His eyes are threatening to spill over, and that _really_ wouldn’t be fair to Jon. He needs to leave. Now.

“Jon, you really don’t have to let me down easy, I-I get it. You don’t feel that way. I know we have to—because of the Lonely—but it’s fine really. It’s just practical, no hard feelings.” Martin can’t look at him. Where was an avatar of the Buried when you needed one?

Jon makes a frustrated noise into his hands. “No, that’s not why—damn it, why are words so _difficult_.” He stands up, pulling Martin into him, squeezing hard enough to bruise. He clutches at Martin’s shoulders like a lifeline, like he’s afraid Martin will disappear completely if he loosens his grip even a little. This close, Martin can feel how rapid his heartbeat is, can hear his ragged breathing. Jon doesn’t let go. 

“Martin. I am _not_ just spending time with you because of the Lonely. _God_ , why would you even—” He shakes his head against Martin’s shoulder, cutting the question off before he can Ask it. “I spend time with you because I _like_ you. I tried to blind myself and run away with you for god’s sake, do you really—”

Another noise of frustration. He speaks again, so softly Martin can barely hear it. “I can’t believe you don’t know how important you are to me,” Jon’s been staring intently at the floor between their feet this whole time, but now he gently cups Martin’s face in his hands, and levels his gaze at him. Unblinking. Determined. He doesn’t stutter. “You mean the world to me. I love you.”

Oh. _Oh_. Martin feels the floor drop away. He needs to sit down. He needs to run. He doesn’t do either. He just reaches out and clings back, feeling Jon’s body against him, warm and solid and _here_. Jon’s arms around him are the only thing holding him up. He thinks if Jon ever lets go he might shatter.

Eventually, they’re sitting on the couch again. They’ve separated, but Jon’s knees are touching his, a comforting presence. Martin’s fiddling with a string on the hem of his shirt. He looks away from Jon and gathers the courage to ask, “so, if you—then why—” 

Okay, maybe he doesn’t have the courage quite yet. Jon seems to understand anyway though. He grimaces and runs a hand over his face.

“It’s not….that I don’t feel strongly about you. I do. Obviously. It’s just, I know you…” He trails off. He pulls away to the other end of the couch and shrinks in on himself a little, pulling his knees up to his chest. It’s horrible to watch. And more than a bit baffling. Martin’s missing something here. 

“Jon, you have to know how I feel about you.” 

“I’ve known for years.” He says quietly.

“Then what’s the problem?”

Jon gets even smaller, staring at the floor. “I don’t—I’m not—Martin, I’ve been in a few relationships before, and they don’t…end well. Aside from the fact that I am a horrible partner—”

“Jon…” Martin warns, but Jon is already pressing on.

“—I don’t really…kiss. O-or the rest of it. Intercourse.” A flush is creeping up Jon’s face now. 

“I can’t, and I won’t. A-and it’s not because I’m a prude, or shy, o-or whatever other nonsense you might think. I just…don’t. I’m not some project to be fixed by the power of love. S-so if that’s what you’re thinking, then you can just—it’s not happening.” He’s bristling now, hands balled into fists at his side. For a moment, Martin remembers what Jon was like before all this, before Prentiss, all that anger and condescension hiding a bone-deep terror. His heart aches.

He feels a sudden burst of protective rage at whoever made Jon think this was something to be afraid over. He struggles to keep it out of his voice; Jon doesn’t need that right now. 

“…Okay? And?” All at once, the anger drains out of Jon. He looks small again.

“You deserve better,” He says softly.

“I think I can say what I deserve Jon.”

“Martin, I-I _Know_ that you want more. I can See it.”

“Yeah? And I also kind of want Chinese food right now. That doesn’t mean I’m actually going to go out and get it, or that I can’t be perfectly happy with something else. Your comfort is far more important to me than the occasional passing impulse.

“I want _you,_ Jon.” He huffs out a laugh. “God, it’s always only been you. Come here.”

Jon hesitates a moment, then practically lunges across the couch to collapse back against him. Martin wraps his arms around him, feeling him shake slightly as the tension of the past ten minutes finally bleeds away. “Alright?”

  
Jon sighs, face buried in Martin's chest. “Perfect.”

**Author's Note:**

> god this is so self-indulgent and barely edited, but im ace and its pride month so here it is.
> 
> i just realized after several months this really could work for either biromantic or aromantic jon. feel free to read it either way, i'm the author and i dont understand romantic orientations as a concept anyway lmao.
> 
> anyway come talk to me [@bananaman-writes](https://bananaman-writes.tumblr.com) on tumblr


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